Warriors: the Talk Show
by Champ Saturn
Summary: Yes, Tawnypelt is here, hosting the hippest new talk show in the clans! Featuring discussions with characters, live musical performances, and squishy chairs! Rated T for sexual references and language.
1. Episode One: Scourge and Daisy

Warriors: the Talk Show

Disclaimer: I do not own Warriors, nor do I own any brands mentioned in the story.

Note: First chapter! Please read and review. Ham is delicious.

Episode One

Catchy music played, and the audience cheered, as Warriors: the Talk Show began. "OH MY GOSH! OH MY GOSH! AHHHHH! AHHHHH! OHHHHH! AHHH!" The cats in the audience yowled.

Tawnypelt, the host, walked on to the stage. Everyone was still cheering. 'OHHHH! TAWNYPELT! OMS! OMS! AHHH!"

"Shut the f**k up everybody!" Tawnypelt screamed, pulling a revolver from her bra, and aiming it at the audience. Silence fell upon the spectators of the show taping.

Tawnypelt sat down in her squishy chair, and the camera focused on her. "Oh, hello everybody. Welcome to Warriors: the Talk Show."

Everyone cheered again, especially Berrynose, in the audience.

She grinned, and started the show. "In our first segment, we are going to address a serious issue. ShadowClan rapes little kits-"

Suddenly, a cameraman came up to Tawnypelt, and whispered something in her ear.

"Anyway, on to the next segment! As our first guest, put yo paws up for Scourge, leader of BloodClan!" Tanwypelt yowled, and everyone put their paws up screaming. 'SCOURGE! I'M YOUR BIGGEST FAN! MEET ME BEHIND THE STAGE AFTER THE SHOW AND LET'S GET FUNKY!" They screamed.

Scourge walked on to stage, dancing. "This isn't The Ellen Show! Sit DOWN!" Tawnypelt exclaimed, and the black cat sat next to her in a squishy chair.

"So glad to see you, coming up from the Underworld for rogues!" Tawnypelt meowed, putting on that fake talk show host grin.

"Oh yes! I couldn't miss the chance to kill Tigerstar's daughter- I mean, to appear on the show!" Scourge said, looking around.

"Okay, well I have some questions for you. Okay, number one. Is it true your birthname was Tiny?" Tawnypelt asked, holding back laughter on this one.

"Next question." The guest replied.

"Alright…" Tawnypelt meowed, throwing the card at the cameraman's head. "Other than being a professional douchebag, what other jobs have you done?"

"Well, I modeled for Covergirl back around Forest of Secrets, as a side job, I also had a brief stint as a gay porn star, back around, ehh… A Dangerous Path, should I say?' Scourge meowed, sipping the red wine so conveniently laid out for him and Tawnypelt.

Tawnypelt gulped down her whole glass of wine, and her assistant poured her another glass. "Err… umm… what was I saying? Oh yeah… Where have you visited? Like California, or England?"

"Your mom!" Scourge exclaimed, and the whole audience gasped.

The host shrugged. She had always suspected that Goldenflower was not as classy as everyone thought.

"One last question… how did it feel to kill my dad?" Tawnypelt asked, anger running in her veins.

"It felt good! Killing cats is really fun. I hate Tigerstar, so it felt good to slice him open and watch him die, calling for his mommy." Scourge meowed, laughing, and Tawnypelt smiled again falsely. "Alright, I think it's time for a commercial break. You can buy Scourge's memoir: The Diary of a Evil Rogue at our website."

After the break, the show came back on, but the camera was filming Tawnypelt jumping on her squishy chair.

"Hey guys! I saw this video, called 'Charlie Bit Me,' you gotta see it!" Tawnypelt exclaimed to the crowd, and they all wildly cheered to the point of stripping with glee.

She pushed a magic button on her huge remote, and a huge screen magically appeared.

"Oh, Charlie! Oooohohhhh Charlie! OooOoOoOoOooOoOoOoOoh, bitch! Ooohohohohohohohoohohohohohoh! Stop biting my penis like that! OpoOOoOoohohoghyhohogogfofof! I just said penis, hehehehhe." Meowed one kit on the screen.

Oh crap. That wasn't the YouTube video. That was a home video of Lilykit and Seedkit.

Tawnypelt, embarrassed, turned it off, and faced the camera. "Our next guest is Daisy, known for being the laziest cat by the lake!" She exclaimed, and everyone clapped and cheered. But not on their own free will, this time, someone actually had to hold an Applause sign up for the audience. Because no one likes Daisy.

Daisy was being rolled in on a lazyboy with wheels, and got up, walked a couple steps, and sat down on the squishy chair, out of breath.

"What's the matter, Daisy?" Tawnypelt asked, fake concern flashing on her face.

"I'm out of breath from those steps… You see, I go around in a mobile lazyboy, because I'm too lazy to walk around myself!" Daisy explained, downing a whole glass of wine.

"Oh, okay." Tawnypelt replied. "Anyway, there have been allegations that you don't care about the kits you watch! You let them do what they want, while you sit on your ass all day. Are these true?"

Daisy looked into the camera lens, and spoke. "YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER!" She screamed, and she, along with the mobile lazyboy, disappeared in a poof.

"Dammit! Why does this always happen to me?" Tawnypelt cried. "Alright, everyone, bye, enjoy a performance from Graystripe, singing 'Fluffy,' to close out the show! See you tomorrow on Warriors: the Talk Show!"

The light focused on Graystripe, who stood on the stage. "I'M SO FLUFFY AND SEXY! I HAVE FLUFFY FUR! I HAVE BALLS OF FLUFF! THIS IS HOW I GET THE GIRLS! I AM FRIENDLY! I AM NICE! FLUFFFY! I'M SO FLUFFFFY!" He sang, and showed his fluff.

Closed Captioning provided by: Tampax, because when you get your period, it's good to, umm… fight it with Tampax tampons!

Note: Thank you for reading the first 'episode.' I have high hopes for this 'show,' so please review and I will update soon! Please. If you do, I'll tell you about my Bumblestripe undies!


	2. Episode Two: Heathertail and Reedwhisker

Disclaimer: I do not own Warriors nor any of the brands mentioned.

Episode Two of Warriors: the Talk Show.

Catchy music played, and once again, Tawnypelt padded on to the stage of her talk show, happily waving at everybody.

"Hey everybody, again!" She yelled to the crowd.

Suddenly, a little kit came up out of the spectators, with a nude photo of Tawnypelt. "Can you sign this?" She asked in a cute little voice.

"I'M TIRED OF THE AUTOGRAPH REQUESTS! STOP, OR I WILL CUT YOU!" Tawnypelt yowled, pulling out a knife. The kit's eyes widened with horror. "Ahh! Mommy!"

The kit ran away, dropping the sexy photo on the way. Tawnypelt looked around, to make sure no one was watching her, picked up the photo, and put it in her bra. She would keep THAT hot picture.

Tawnypelt faced the camera, and smiled. "Welcome to Warriors: the Talk Show, with your supermegafoxyawesomehot host, me! Tawnypelt! Daughter of the second most badass villain in Warriors history… Wait, what? Back to the show!"

She made her way to her amazing, hot pink squishy chair, and plopped down her fat butt on to the chair.

"Alright, for our first segment today, I want to talk about how ShadowClan kidnaps kittypets-"

Suddenly, a producer for the program ran up to Tawnypelt, and whispered something very urgent in her ear.

"Well, for our next segment, we have WindClan warrior Heathertail, who is here to talk about Twilight! Yayyy…." Tawnypelt meowed, half-heartedly. She was not a twihard.

The young warrior smiled and waved (How do cats wave?) as she padded on the stage, sitting down in a sexy squishy chair of her own, next to Tawnypelt.

"Hey, Tawnypelt! Man, these squishy chairs are comfortable, where did you get them? I toats NEED some for the WindClan warriors den!" Heathertail exclaimed in a bubbly way.

Tawnypelt was so happy! "Oh, you like them? I got them at IKEA, for like, only three squirrels and a thrush!" She enthused, shaking with glee, because she loved talking about her squishy chairs.

"Oh, IKEA? Cool, I always get comfy in the snuggly beds in there!" Heathertail replied, casually sipping the red wine laid out for host and guest.

"Anyway, we got off track there… back to the show! So, Heathertail, you like Twilight, eh?" Tawnypelt asked, pointing her paw to her head, symbolizing that she wanted to be killed. As previously mentioned, she was not a fan.

Suddenly, Thistleclaw, in the audience, being a psycho freak, pulled out his handgun, precisely pointed it at Tawnypelt's head, and shot her. Hey, she symbolized that she wanted to be shot.

The audience went into mass hysteria, as Tawnypelt fell over. "AIIIEEE!" She screamed as she fell.

The host managed to survive. Tawnypelt sat up, a bullet in her head, her pelt soaked in blood, trembling. She looked into the camera, and continued speaking. "Well, sorry for that slight… inconvenience." She apologized, brain matter oozing out of her head. "We'll be back right after this commercial break." She meowed, holding in a third of her brain, from falling out.

Heathertail ran away in pure terror during the break, which pleased Tawnypelt. Twilight sucked. Tawnypelt's head was covered in bandages, so she looked pretty strange. "On to our next segment, I'm having Reedwhisker, the RiverClan deputy, discuss the stupidest names in the clans with me!" She exclaimed, and Reedwhisker moonwalked on the stage, wearing a flamboyant silver fedora that was hideous. Deputies, they were so cocky. Tawnypelt rolled her eyes. "Sit down, for StarClan's sake!"

Reedwhisker sat in the squishy chair, a little embarrassed by Tawnypelt's scolding, his neck fur bristling. "So, it's great to see you, Tawnypelt." He meowed, his gray fur having bits of potato chips entangled in it. He loved to have potato chip fights with his mom, Mistystar.

Tawnypelt literally splashed wine in her mouth. Some didn't make it in, so it was dripping everywhere, her fur wet. That crazy bitch. "So, Reedwhisker. Dumb names in the clans! What about Bumblestripe? LOL, that's so stupid."

Bumblestripe at home watching, started crying into Dovewing's fur.

"What about Furzepelt, from WindClan? LOL, what the Dark Forest is a 'furze?'" Reedwhisker added vigourously.

"Olivenose from ShadowClan!"

"Littlecloud from ShadowClan!"

"Briarlight from ThunderClan! LOL, that disabled ho!"

"Mossyfoot from RiverClan!"

The offensive exchange continued, until Tawnypelt were both rolling on the floor laughing. It was pretty mean, and many cats, especially Briarlight, turned off their televisions at home.

Tawnypelt stared into the camera. "Well, that's all the time we have! Enjoy our musical performance from Graystripe, again… singing Best Friend." She yowled, her laughing fit continued. They were laughing so hard, one cat in the audience had to be taken to the hospital.

Graystripe took the stage again, like he had last time, and started singing into the microphone obnoxiously.

"I WASSSSS FIRESTAR'S BEST FRIENDDD…. BEFORE HE DIEEEEDDD! OH YEAH, I WAS HISSS BESSSTTT FREEEIIEIEIEIDDNDND SADJSDHHFDJFDGFHGFJHFG OH YEAAAAAHHHHH!" He screeched.

He was the only cat willing to perform on the show.

Closed Captioning provided by: Always pads. If you 'always' need pads that will be for you on your period, get our pads! Less likely to get stuck 'in there.'

Note: Yes, it's about time I get back to Tawnypelt's zany talk show. Get used to more regular chapters. Thank you for reading, please follow and review. I will give virtual fresh-kill to all who review! - Champ


End file.
